Blood Diamonds
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: Mami's a true magical girl; and a true magical girl doesn't lie to herself about what she is.


**This is my first attempt at writing for this fandom. I recently finished the Madoka anime and I thought it was great. I wanted to write something about Mami which was a bit difficult but enjoyable. **

_To help people, you need to focus less on yourself._

Mami knows exactly what she is, made to save and not be saved, made to destroy and be destroyed- she cannot regret. She cannot regret this life if it was the only way she could live, no matter how much better it could have been- she looks at the witches, she looks at the sick patients in threatened hospitals. It can always be worse and it is her job to make sure that won't always be true.

She's so good at her job, though- (no _wonder_ all the girls want to be with you once they sign the contract, Mami) she tells herself whenever she feels doubt, as if kindness is all a magical girl needs (you seem like you've been in the business forever.) Just a few years older, to them, a few more years may never happen- in school she reads the stories of fallen heroines of history, they rise in death as they fall for the last time, as is the way of the universe as it has been- _Cleopatra_, she studies her ancient reign (even a queen is not immortal); _Joan _– (did you feel the fire)?

Diamonds are made from pressure, flawless and pained. Beauty is a response to pure hideousness.

The yellow in her hair shines in the daylight; the colors of the gilded sun and flourishing wheat and spreading disease stream from her head.

_It doesn't matter how if it's just going to happen anyway, whether it's you saving someone or not _

A magical girl must tell many lies, but a true magical girl knows she can never lie to herself.

She sometimes _hates _to watch them when they're new, when their eyes glisten with tears or widen with wondrous hope, when they ask her if they can really make _any_ wish come true and she doesn't want to say that it's not them controlling the wishes, she doesn't want to say what she knows they'll have to learn because if you don't know what you are then you may as well just turn around before you know what you want to wish for-

So in the hidden alleys and caverns and underground structures after the battles she catches her breath and traverses to her empty home which she knows she won't have to be in solitude for much longer; in the cold mirror she examines her voluptuous young body that will never wrinkle with old age; in unmade bed she sleeplessly she waits for the next day to spend time with the girls who will never betray her.

It all comes at a price that Mami had no reason to not pay. She won't live forever, and neither will any of her friends but their legacies must if the world can go on; she keeps her fear suppressed every time she sees their faith and determination-

_Don't be afraid. Don't back down. If you had, you wouldn't be here- _

She's heard that a life of regrets is worse than death; but they don't know the entire story of a girl like her. It's not a surprise to her that so many people don't realize that regret isn't so far from the price you need to pay to get what you need. The universe runs on sacrifices, and if losses come with that, if every girl who rises has to fall and if going down is the only way to hold the world up-

Then she doesn't care what she has to sacrifice because she knows the stakes; she knows that she doesn't have much else to lose now, and she's just another of the hidden legions of extraordinary girls, she's far from the first and she'll never know the last, and every time she pulls the trigger she thinks-

_So many girls walked this area before me, pondered over what would have happened if there was no contract, so many girls I have known were illuminated and elevated so they could give themselves-_

There is no flying free without the ground; if you're going to strengthen yourself on the outside, then you had better be prepared for what you have to give up inside.

Mami cannot regret harvesting herself to make the world grow (but she knows others have)- she may be special in the eyes of Madoka and the other new girls, but in the end, they _all _could be-

Because they all end up sacrificing themselves for each other, and if you look closely in Mami's soulful eyes, you can see the glint of raw memories and confined acceptance, you can see how easy it is to mistake that for just sweet kindness.

It's easy, but Mami's given up on taking the easy way out and she knows that she will go down but at least she knows what she's gotten into. It's going to be worth it, she told herself and didn't need to convince herself.

She can handle whatever happens, she was made to-

Why should she lie to herself when she's already seen how the truth is? Why should she mourn over what she couldn't control when she can stand up and fight and wield her weapon to make something like a miracle without the tangled strings attached?

She wouldn't do that, anyway. She's a magical girl, half here, half nowhere- and she's gone, she won't regret it. She's already paid the price, and if she regrets it, then she'd be letting down all the other girls; girls from thousands of years ago and all the girls who will not be born in her lifetime- she could go out a saint, she could go out with nobody else except her friends remembering her name but when she's gone she'll be that golden girl they all become momentarily and remain in the hearts of the others- _Mami. The girl with the ribbons, tying all the girls together, Mami the honorary sister – _

Sometimes it feels like too much, but it's nothing she hasn't been able to handle. This is her life now. She's a true magical girl, a true jewel- and beautiful things can't last forever without protection.

She's the protector, all of them are together; she's the sacrifice who gives it all and shines and will disappear from sight.


End file.
